Russia grants temporary asylum to Edward Snowden

This is an archived article and the information in the article may be outdated. Please look at the time stamp on the story to see when it was last updated.

MOSCOW, RUSSIA – The word coming out of Russia is that today is The Snowman’s happy day.

National Security Agency thief Eddie ‘The Snowman’ Snowden finally got his wish when Russia granted him temporary asylum, one year to wander as he pleases.

Snowden’s Russian suit says Eddie has left the building, the international airport where he’s been staying for the last month.

Even though Snowden’s options are limited to inside Russia, no one is saying where he’s going.

Snowden’s father is probably happy about all of this, since he says his kid is only safe in Russia.

“I think Russia is the best place for him,’ says Lon Snowden. ‘I think that’s where he — Russia, I believe, has the strength and conviction to protect my son at this point.”

Snowden’s asylum also proves he’s not gay. Yeah. Russia’s new anti-gay laws let police arrest foreigners suspected of being gay, of being pro-gay or for passing out gay publications.

Note to The Snowman: better not have to ‘fabulous’ a time this year.