Scientists find the animal that performed the first ever sex act

This is an archived article and the information in the article may be outdated. Please look at the time stamp on the story to see when it was last updated.

ADELAIDE, Australia -- They say you never forget your first time. But as awkward as that first time might have been, scientists have just discovered the animal which had "sex" for the very first time in history, and these prehistoric suckers give a new meaning to bumping uglies!

This primitive species of freaky fish, called Placoderms, lived 385 million years ago, in the waters off of Scotland. Today, the only thing left of them are fossils. But paleontologists studying their old bones say these creatures were the first to fornicate, and this dawn of the deed was really responsible for ushering in the original sexual revolution.

The genes name for this fish with "game" is aptly-but-coincidentally, Microbrachius dicki, or M. dicki for short.
According to research published in Nature, this was the first time any creature bumped their naughty bits to reproduce. But M. dicki wasn't a missionary for old fashioned sex. No, these sexual explorers liked it sideways.

Sadly, sex for these horny Placoderms didn't last long and most fish reverted back to spawning in water. But luckily for humans, evolution worked in our favor and we have to thank M. dicki for showing us how to get it on!