Farting, Satan, and gallons of booze: Get to know your Founding Fathers

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WASHINGTON, DC – And now it’s time for everyone’s favorite Fourth of July feature we like to call “Who’s Your Daddies” where we get to know our founding fathers, the nation’s daddies, the guys who beat off the British and established what they believed was a more perfect union.

Guys like Benjamin Franklin who wrote to the Royal Academy of Brussels an essay on farting.

John Adams, the nation’s second president, kept Satan in the White House.

History tells us Satan was the name of his dog, and apparently the first time Satan dwelled in the White House.

George Washington may have been first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen, but he is also first on the list of over-due library books.

He owed about $300,000 dollars for a book someone returned for him a few years ago, 221 years late.

Paul Revere was many things: a silversmith, a midnight rider, a sixties pop singer.

But he was never Sam Adams, no matter how many beers you drink.

And Thomas Jefferson, author of the Declaration of Independence and third president did not smoke pot, or at least not that we know of.

The founding fathers may not have been high on weed when they signed the declaration of independence, but it’s highly possible they had some hangovers.

A couple of days earlier they quaffed down 60 bottles of claret, 54 bottles of Madeira my dear, 22 bottles of porter, two six packs of beer, eight bottles each of whiskey and hard cider, and they drained seven bowls of punch.

With all that booze and some ribs and hotlinks, they could have started a Fourth-of-July tradition.

Happy birthday, America.

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