Groundhogs live to see another day after predicting early spring

CW39
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CINCINNATI, OH – In a world where weather prognostication is serious business, where property and lives depend on accuracy, comes Punxsutawney Phil.

Phil and other weather predicting groundhogs forecast an early spring. They were WRONG!

This lack of a silent spring has led to rodent rage. Now Punxsutawney Phil has been indicted by an Ohio District Attorney for a ‘misrepresentation of early spring’ an unclassified felony. If convicted Phil could’ve been put to death, but his peeps took the blame saying they misinterpreted Phil’s ‘groundhog-ese.’

Phil’s lesser known brethren are in trouble too. Ohio’s Buckeye Chuck has been charged with the same crime. He could’ve blamed it on too much Two Buck Chuck, but no… he’s agreed to cooperate with the state and has been granted immunity. What a weasel.

Then there’s Jimmy the Groundhog from Wisconsin who’s entered the Witness Protection Program to cover his tail. His handler says the mayor misunderstood the groundhog; a ‘predictable’ excuse.

As the silent spring that never was continues, there seems to be no end to making groundhogs into scapegoats.

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